LIJ

We arrive at LIJ Steven & Alexandra Cohen Children's Medical Center of NY. It is a familiar place as we have been coming for the past six years. I always have underlying anxiety from my fear that I will possibly get this earth shattering news about my boy. However, the doctor visit we have today is a simple one- a consultation for a sleep study. No big deal. Nonetheless, the anxiety always travels with me like my loyal companion. We walk into the waiting room and surprisingly Jason doesn't display his PTSD and excitedly goes to the computer table and plays so innocently with his dad. They use the dial and red buttons to create a wheel of colors, butterflies, and flowers. I sit across the waiting room as seating is limited. I just observe with my "new" eyes that I refer to often, ever since I became a mom of a perfectly imperfect boy. Most of the time I feel alone in this uncontrollable, consistently changing world. But unfortunately, yet fortunately, when I walked into room 160, I see myself sitting in the chair holding an infant baby girl; I see my self to the right shaking my leg as I read a book with my 10 year old son; I see myself caressing the face of my teenage son who sits so anxiously in a wheelchair. I am everyone and everyone is me. Don't mistake me, there are people in this room who have challenges and hardships bigger than I can imagine and bigger than mine, but there is an unspoken bond between us strangers. Across from me is this handsome teenage boy. He had to be 13 or 14 years old. His body is in a wheelchair, but his spirit is not bounded to the same limitations. His mother, a woman who is no longer phased by waiting rooms and doctors appointments, selfishly feeds her adolescent son a piece of whole wheat toast. During the 12-15 minutes that I am sitting and watching, this mother is calm, smiling, and even had time to say a few kind words to me. They call her son's name and off they go. He gets anxious, and she calms him. During this visit to LIJ, I am not only educated on the process of a sleep study and the difference between obstructive and central apnea, I am reminded that we are connected beyond blood and relationships, that there is more to life than just what the eye can see and the mind can understand, that people are much more than their limitations, that a simple look can touch someone's soul, and last but finally not least, we are never in "this" alone.