When Perfect is Not Enough

 Why are people perfectionist? Why do they feel the need to have the approval of others?They are not impulsive. They do not make irrational decisions. They think everything through, planning out every scenario before choosing the best option. They hate making mistakes and do not like hurting people. I try to understand this addiction of being perfect. I guess when one is seeking approval from someone, they do nothing short of being perfect. They try to stand out, show off, and do whatever is necessary to get that, "good job," "I'm so proud of you," "you make me so happy," or "I love you." When one doesn't get that, what is left when being perfect is not enough? Is one left feeling abandoned, alone, insecure, or vulnerable? Or is one determined to persevere, stand strong in knowing that they are amazing without the approval of others, or become comfortable in their skin that other's opinions no longer matter?

I am a perfectionist! I know-it's hard to believe. Take a moment; let it settle in. 

I often hear, "you are a great person," "you have a heart of gold," "you are a great mom-you treat your son like he is a typical boy," "he is so lucky to have you." The question I ask myself as I stumble on this new phenomenon that I am a perfectionist is this:

Do I treat my son as if he is just like every other kid because I don't want him to believe he is anything less or because I need him to be like every other kid? Has my perfectionism leaked into my parenting a special needs child? Have I allowed the chains to remain linked? 

Ironically, yet thankfully, my perfectionism and controlled world abruptly changed when my son was born. My perfectionism isn't cured and my illusion of control clearly hasn't vanished however, the chains are broken. Maybe, I treat my son like he is just like every other boy because I need to or because I believe he is. Nonetheless, he is perfect. He hears me tell him every day that I love him, that he makes me so proud, and that I wouldn't change who he is for anything. He has my approval.

Having a perfectly imperfect life has allowed me to love the person I am, to feel confident and proud of the person staring back at me in the mirror, and trusting that I am the perfect mother to the perfect child.